apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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