So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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