i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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