ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
