That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize