I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
What changed your mind?
Being sober
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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