That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
