I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
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