But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize