She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
