Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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