I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
