If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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