I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
