Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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