Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
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