Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
