my mouth tastes like poor choices
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
