How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize