highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize