I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
