Ambien. No doubt about it.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
