a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
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