Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
