Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
