you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
