I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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