remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
