I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
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