Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Randomize
