How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Randomize