I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
someone owes me an orgasm
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
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