I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
