I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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