Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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