M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
