She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Randomize
