My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
