I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
