I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
