he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
