My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
