Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
