I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
