Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
the day after is always just damage control
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
