I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
