24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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