Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
