Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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