I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
