it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Randomize
