I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Randomize
