I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Randomize
