MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Randomize
