also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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