So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
