It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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