they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Randomize
