I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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